Halloween, China Style

Yesterday, October 27th, was Halloween in Nanjing. Don’t ask me why, it just was. I should be more specific. No one really celebrates Halloween in China – almost no one I should say – their image of it is limited, I think, to the few Halloween-themed cartoons and movies that get imported over here. Understandably, too, because it really has nothing to do with Chinese culture or history. But, at the “English Language Center” where I’ve been teaching, there was gonna be a Halloween party, goddamnit! And they were gonna have a real-live American there to talk about Halloween, and run the show. So, Steven, my boss (aptly described by the bizarre, 50 year old Australian Ex-pat who also teaches there as a F***-Wit) organized a Halloween party with spooky music, a brief explanation of Halloween provided by the resident American, and four games: “Eating apples from the water, Horrible Touching Game (?), Making Mummies by Napkins, and Carving Pumpkin Lights.” Horrible Touching Game, it turns out, is not the same game that put my friend’s step-uncle in prison, but instead that game where you have blindfolded people reach into pasta and tell them it’s intestines and shtuff like that….

SO! It was off to the party. But before the big night, Steven asked me, “What are you to be tonight?” “I don’t know,” I said, “maybe a professional badminton player? I have a bunch of badminton clothes…” “No,” Steven said, “you will be a vampire.”

I got to the school around 6:30, put on the costume they provided me, and then Steven told me I should talk for 20 minutes about Halloween. Surprisingly I could do it – You’d be surprised by how much you know about a cultural phenomenon like Halloween – I could have talked for an hour. So after my spiel, we played eating apples from water game. It was pretty entertaining, especially since the Halloween music Steven chose was “Dancing Queen,” and the kids were instructed to eat the apples, not just pick them up. After that, we played horrible touching game – but instead of a bowl of pasta, there was just one noodle, and a carrot… kind of lame. Making mummies by napkins was actually really fun, because each group used like 4 rolls of toilet paper, and made some pretty good mummies. Finally it was time for carving pumpkin lights, or “jack-o-lanterns” as I told an incredulous bunch of Chinese people. “What a funny name,” said a group of people who call a faucet a “water dragon head.” The pumpkins Steven bought were those tiny, un-carvable pumpkins that you get at Halloween to offset the huge ones that you can carve, but goshdarnit we were gonna carve these too. Given incredibly small, dangerous knives, candles, and matches, a group of adolescents embarked on probably the most dangerous thing I’ve ever seen. By the end of it, 2 people cut themselves pretty badly, and one pumpkin had caught on fire. The fire-pumpkin was also made worse by the boy who thought it would be a good idea to put out the fire with the toilet paper left over from the mummy game… Luckily, everyone carries thermoses so they all put out the huge fire with their left over tea from the day. By the end, though, there were some respectable jack-o-lanterns there, and the Halloween party turned out to be a success. At least I had a good time; I’m not so sure about Steven, who kind of freaked out at the mess we made. But that’s what Halloween’s about doggonit!

Zai jian!

Mack-A-Low-Ba

A quick story:

So this evening (about 20 minutes ago), I got tired of studying and a little antsy. Every day on my way home from school, I pass this big building that says "massage" on the front. It looks pretty nice, and pretty clean. Anyways around 5:30 I decided I was going to go down-stairs and get a massage - I've been running every day and playing Squash and Badminton and I'm pretty sore and tired, and I heard you can get a good massage for cheap. So I went downstairs and across the street, and walked in to the Massage parlor. I know what you're thinking... The massage parlor is also a brothel, big deal. Well, why don't you not make assumptions and read on... Anyways, I was greeted by a professional looking guy with a white button-down shirt and black trousers. Here's how the conversation went.

(me) "你好”(hello)

(him) "你好”(hello)

(me)“一个小时多少钱？”(What do you charge by the hour?)

(him)“你要什么?”(What do you want?)

(me)“我要按磨”(A massage)

(him)“你要 mack-a-low-ba?" (Do you want a "mack-a-low-ba")

(me) “一个什么？你可以说中文。”(a what? you can speak chinese)

(him) “一个mack-a-loba! mack-a-lo-ba!! MACK-A-LOW-BA! 听得懂了吗？”（A mack-a-low-ba! mack-a-low-ba!! MACK-A-LOW-BA! Do you know what I'm saying?)

(me) “我还不听懂了”(I still don't understand)

At this point, he leaned in with a glimmer in his eye, and wispered in my ear something I couldn't understand in chinese. It was then that I noticed the three pretty, experienced looking girls in the corner of the room in short skirts.

(me)“现在听得懂了”(now I understand)

(him) “挤眼”(wink)

(me) “这个不是我要的。 我要按磨”(that's not what I want. I want a massage)

(him) “我们这儿没有”(we don't have that here)

(me) “好的。 再不要”(alright, thanks anyways)

(him) “慢慢走！”(have a good one!)

(scantily-clad ladies) “再见！”(see you soon!)

(me) "Probably not..." (probably not...)

So, it was a massage parlor is a brothel story. I kinda expected it too. But let me tell you the funny part (all funny stories need someone to tell you the funny part.). I find it funny that they don't even pretend to offer massages. Maybe I don't have that "chinese police officer" look, but still! He was so happy to tell me they don't have massages. A little discretion would be nice; the only pretense was that it said "massage" when you walk in, and on the sign outside. Anyways, that's my story.

Zai Jian!

P.S. The real reason I walked out was because their prices were too high! I mean 100 kuai an hour?? C'MON.

P.P.S. The previous "p.s." was a joke.

P.P.P.S. Or was it?

P.P.P.P.S. Yes.